Modeh Ani: God’s Faithfulness

5 11 2008

I give thanks to You living and everlasting King…

Thank you, God, for waking me up again today. Even though I don’t want to get up this morning, and see no point to my continued existence, I thank you, Lord, for having enough faith in me to think this day might be a worthwhile one for me. Great is your faithfulness, even towards your depressed creations who regularly malign your work and doubt your intentions in this world.

For you have restored my soul with mercy…

If you did not think that today had the potential to be worthwhile, if you did not think there was even a smidgen of hope for today, you would have guided me, instead, into eternal sleep. So even though I am in the pit of a deep, dark depression, and certainly will not or cannot daven this morning, I will say these brief few words, as I struggle out of my pajamas and into work clothes and down a handful of M & M’s in an effort to propel myself out the door.

I believe in a personal God who had some hand in creating each human being with intention.
I believe in a God who created us, both collectively and individually, in His image.
I believe in a God who expresses hope for humanity, despite us disappointing Him again and again and again (and again).

Great, indeed, is your faithfulness!

Modah ani.

Thank you, God, for waking me up, even on the mornings in which I didn’t want to be woken. I trust that you have your reasons.

* * * * *

Postscript: I wrote this nearly three years ago. Today, when I wake up, I am usually profoundly grateful that I am awake and alive to face another day.

I am sharing it in this form, rather than how I would have written it today, because I think there is tremendous value in retaining the view I had when I was much more depressed—how can I be grateful, how can I give thanks, when I feel hardly worthy of living at all? The answer, as presented in this piece, is that I give thanks to God for believing in me even when I do not believe in me. I still find this idea meaningful every day, in ways both great and small.




2 responses

12 11 2008
Modeh Ani: “Renewed Every Morning” «

[…] (Lamentations 3:23 also seems to be the source for the phrase “רַבָּה אֱמוּנָתֶךָ,” the last two words of the Modeh Ani that I wrote about here.) […]

2 01 2009
Mixed Multitudes - My Jewish Learning: Exploring Judaism & Jewish Life » Blog Archive » Depression and Prayer

[…] a series of entries on Modeh Ani, the prayer that’s said first thing in the morning, Borei Hoshech agonizes over […]

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